In her global bestseller "Stand Up," Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's chief operating officer, shares her philosophy and success as a female executive manager. She mentions that authentic communication is the foundation for successful family relationships and effective functioning at work, but sometimes it is not easy.
If you don't say it, uncomfortable questions and resentments will build up, and if you speak out, you are likely to be labeled uncooperative and negative. The most effective communication combines propriety, propriety, and truthfulness to find the sweet spot of being able to tell the truth with subtlety and elegance, and the following methods Sandberg has found over the years:
Method 1: Acknowledge that everyone has a different point of view
The beginning of effective communication must first understand that "I have my opinion, which is my facts, and others have other people's opinions, which is other people's facts." There is rarely a single absolute fact, so people who think they are saying the "only truth" will suppress the opinions of others. Conversely, once you understand that we can only see things from our own point of view, you can share your own opinions in a way that does not threaten us.
Practical advice: It is always more constructive to use the first person "I" to present your opinion.
Compare the following two sentences:
A. "You never took my opinion seriously"
B. "I'm a little sad that I wrote 4 letters to you, but I didn't hear back, which makes me feel that my advice is not very important to you. Is that so?"
Sandberg said the first argument would provoke objections and cause the other party to immediately retort "Why!" and the second would lead to discussion because it would be more difficult for the other person to deny the actual action.
Method 2: Let the other person know that they are listening
To actually implement the first point, you have to make yourself a better listener, but this is not easy to do, most people tend to focus only on their own feelings and opinions, and want the other person to accept their ideas, rather than understanding the other person's ideas first. If we put our energy into our communication to let the other person know that we are listening, we will become better listeners
Practical advice: Explain the other person's opinion first, and then respond.
Since childhood, Sandberg's mother has "taught" her to react to each other's feelings when she and her younger siblings quarrel and argue. For example, Sandberg and his sister are fighting for a lollipop, because the sister has already eaten it yesterday, so Sandberg feels that she has the right to eat candy today, and her mother still wants them to sit down face to face, and asks Sandberg to say how her sister feels, "I know you're angry because I ate the last lollipop, but you want to eat the lollipop too" before she can say why you eat candy.
Sandberg said it is painful to say this at the moment, but reflecting other people's perspectives can clarify differences and be the starting point for finding solutions.
Method 3: See yourself as others see you
It's almost impossible to know how others feel about our words and actions, and while it's okay to try to guess, it's more effective to ask directly. By understanding what others think, we can adjust our words and actions and avoid making mistakes. However, Sandberg also cautioned that feedback is like facts, there are no absolutes, and even if you actively seek feedback, any comments from the other party may still sound harsh, but "the pain of knowing the truth is far better than the joy of ignorance".
Practical advice: Ask someone "Where can I improve on this?"
A few years ago, Sandberg was interviewed by Tom Brokaw, a television news anchor who was a brilliant visitor, and Sandberg felt he had a few questions that he didn't answer well. After the interview, Sandberg asked Brokaw, "How can I do better?" to his surprise. Finally, Brokaw told Sandberg that she was the second person to turn to him for feedback throughout his journalistic career.
This article is based on "Stand Up", published by Commonwealth Magazine